Single & 29! (It's a long one)

Never in my life did I think I would be approaching the Big 3-0. Really. Something about looking into the future when you're a kid never gets you that far...I recall thinking at one point that glasses and braces are cool, that I would go to college and get a big-time job, and then I thought I'd get married and have kids. I guess in 10-year old speak, you've conquered the world by 30 and that's all there is to it. (Forgive this lapse in judgment...after all, I just admitted I thought glasses and braces were cool and wanted both so badly)

As the years passed and I ventured into the uncertainty known as "after college" and then into the wider uncertainty of Africa and the world, there have been points along the journey where I thought that was the end of me (stories to come...). Nevertheless, here I am and I'm 9 months away from the big 3-0, and I don't fear it or feel as I once thought I would. Sincerely, though, another "never in my life" is that I'm 29 and single. I guess I always figured I'd be married by now. (Hang in there, this isn't the bitter rant of an unhappy woman).

So, the reality is that I'm not anywhere close to being married and I'm ok with it. It hasn't always been this way, certainly my family and friends can attest to that. The truth is that through some of the most heart-wrenching months of my life (the last 6 I just spent in Kenya), God taught me so MUCH about Himself and about myself. He healed wounds that had been hidden, wounds I didn't want to acknowledge were still a part of me. He led me on a journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance that changed the way I think, pray, and act. (If anything, this has helped me to become more of who I once was. More joyful, more sure, more content). The Lord taught me a couple of key lessons during this time.

First, He taught me that I'm a late bloomer. (In terms of how average Americans see life, I haven't "grown up" yet or "gotten serious with my life" yet or "you're how old and not married?" Which is so ironic to me, since on a regular basis, I'm dealing with issues most American adults will never face in their lives.) Initially, I hated the idea that I was "behind," as I pride myself on being a go-getter and a leader, but in retrospect, I'm deeply grateful the Lord allowed me to bloom at all! :)

Second, He taught me I'm never too old to re-learn how to love people and allow them to love me. Over the past several years, I've been hurt (not just in relationships but in life!) and I've wallowed in it and allowed it to fester to the point of no return, or so I thought. Instead, the Lord has showed me that there is no point of no return. With Him, returning, healing, and fresh starts are never outside of His power. During a time of great sadness and despair, Jesus came to me and reassured me I was loved and special and that I need to start acting like it (especially in the way I treat myself). I also needed to re-learn how to act "normally" around men. While I'm not sure I've quite figured that out (I don't ever act normal anyway), I'm definitely improving and hoping not to "scare" them away anymore. SO, fellows who may read this, don't run away. :)

Finally, He taught me contentedness that I had never known before. I've read what Paul wrote about "learning to be content in any and every situation," though I've always longed for it or tried to get it, that sense of contentment never materialized, until about 6 months ago. Then, as I began to accept myself, the Lord's specific plan for my life, who I really am, and began to fight the urge to compare myself to others, something beautiful happened. I began to love the Lord more deeply, and I desired to KNOW him and spend time with him unlike had ever been the case previously. I also grew to love myself more deeply. Its NOT that now I get what I want or that I don't sometimes think my butt is too big or that I'm always happy, instead I trust Him from deep down in my soul, and I'm excited to take the journey that He has set before with the knowledge and acceptance that it's going to be unique. I am who I am and HE is who HE is. Life is much more joyful when we play our given roles.

To end all of this, 29 and single isn't too bad, and neither is the girl who's writing this! :)