Nyasaye Nyalo (God is Able)

A week or so ago, I sent out an email asking for prayer. I had an important meeting with the church council about the property and building coming up and the underground gossip ring had warned me that there might be some dissenters. I honestly haven't known what to do. The situation is confusing. How does Ndoto partner with the church in a way that is effective for both without co-mingling them or causing dependency? History, statistics, and life have taught us that the two need to remain completely separate. But, when two groups are working to achieve similar things in a place like Obunga, it seemed foolish not work together.

Then, there was the issue of space. A piece of land and the structure of a building. Who owns it? Who uses it? How can this thing that was built (and probably shouldn't have been) be redeemed? After all, it sits right in the center of a community that still desperately needs hope. That was the topic of the meeting and from what I was hearing, it seemed as though every man was out for himself. Those who want Ndoto to succeed want the property and building for Ndoto. Those who are a part of the church want it to remain with the church. I was frustrated by what I was hearing and feeling.

I was torn. In some ways, it seemed God was ordaining this. Ndoto gets to use the building and property that was built for ministry in Obunga and not properly maintained. As I said earlier, I felt as if I was glimpsing redemption - all the time, money, work, and effort that was poured in that place was not for naught. Yet, as I reflected back, there were definitely warning signs to stay away. Don't get involved. The church hasn't been able to maintain itself and they have their own problems and any partnership will just create dependence.

So, there I was. torn. frustrated. I found myself getting angry. I was mad at people who felt like they were entitled to that space. I was mad at people who might stand in my way. I was mad at people who have continually hurt me over the years. I was mad at people who steal from the church and then expect the church to cover up for them. And the meeting hadn't even happened yet. I would be deeply ashamed if my thoughts over the past few days were shown to the world - some of the accusations I was ready to make and some of the mean things I was ready to say to get my way or push through my agenda.

So, I prayed somewhat reluctantly and asked others to join me. I also asked the Lord over and over again what the right thing to do is in this situation. Community development principles would lead in one direction. Church ministry principles the other. People from both camps asked tough questions and made valid points. Yet, things were unclear to me.

This morning in church (before the meeting), I realized that I am struggling with unforgiveness. I am struggling to really forgive and release several bad things that have happened to me. I am harboring them in my heart, and they are weakening me and separating me from the Lord. I had a stark and humbling realization that if I forgive those who hurt me, I will lose some of the fire that motivates me. I won't have as much to prove. I won't have as much to guard. I won't have as much "power." While I would love to tell you that I had this powerful experience where I miraculously forgave those who had hurt me - it isn't true. I did, however, decide that it is time to let it go and to humble myself before the Lord and others and admit that I am struggling.

Fast forward to my entrance into the meeting with the church council. I sat down unsure of what I was going to say, what I was going to ask, what I was hoping for. I just asked the Holy Spirit to speak and give me the words to say and to enlighten us all to God's plan and give us the courage to speak the truth. I had my doubts.

Then, something surprising happened. We began talking and as one of the men reviewed our notes from the last meeting, i sort of lightened up. I can't explain it - other than to say that something was changing inside of me. When it was my turn to speak, I began by apologizing to this group for how I had hurt them or let them down. I also expressed to them how hurt I have been by them. For the times they have seen and treated me as a dollar sign. For the times they would steal and take advantage of the church. It was humbling to tell them how sorry I was and even more humbling to admit they had hurt me deeply over the years. (After the meeting, one guy said he thought I was going to cry and that the whole group was drawn in and listening attentively - almost in disbelief that I would be saying these things).

As the meeting progressed, it was one positive testimony after another. It was one of the "dissenters" saying that we should forgive each other and move forward. It was the one of the other "dissenters" offering his complete support for Ndoto. There was a public acknowledgement of how Ndoto is helping and making a difference in the lives of people. I got to share how if the vision is mine alone then I have failed. If the community doesn't embrace it and own it, then change will never last. (one of the problems from a few years ago) Then, the new pastor passionately shared that he supports us as well and that the two which are separate can work together to usher in the Kingdom of God and bring change to Obunga.

No specific details were worked out. The most incredible thing was that they didn't need to be. God had a plan much bigger for this meeting than simply the ownership or management of a piece of property. God's plan was to usher in the beginning of forgiveness, healing, and then restoration. I found myself less concerned about whether or not we were going to own the building and more concerned with how Ndoto can be a healthy blessing to the church and how we can involve the community more so that ownership will be theirs. I also found myself considering new and fresh options for how to make it this situation work.

The truth is that nothing can happen for several months anyway, as Ndoto is still in the process of applying for and registering to be an official Kenyan NGO. (prayers for this would be greatly appreciated)! So, we have time to take the specifics to the Lord and work out something that is mutually beneficial. But, I can confidently say that this was the most productive, most joyous church council meeting I have EVER sat in, and I had predetermined that it would be the worst. I was angry and was prepared to be defensive and aggressive, yet I didn't need to be. In my opinion, God did the impossible. He took a bunch of hardened hearts (many that I have only ever known as hardened) and selfish people and for a few hours one Sunday afternoon when it mattered most brought them humbly together to achieve something beautiful...a sort of new beginning.

So, as I head to bed (with a big smile on my face), I am able to rejoice in seeing hearts change and grievances melt away (including my own). I am also able to rejoice in a new beginning and in time to seek the Lord for guidance in making a complicated decision. So, I will stand and proclaim that which is a motto for Ndoto and its students: Nyasaye Nyalo! (God IS Able!)